Interview with an Arsonist

The following is a factual account of an interview with a Chavette Arsonist.

Honestly.

Okay, so the interview didn't actually occur, nor did any of the circumstances described below. But it could have occurred, and the interview described is the sum total of numerous interviews and conversations I have had with Chavettes. If there was a Queen Chavette who possessed all of the most notable qualities of her Chav Subjects, then all that follows would be true, and would have in fact taken place. Only it didn't, but could have, should have, and probably has.

PC: "Okay, would you like to begin by telling me why you've been arrested today Debbie?"

D: "Miss Run Da Ting Ding."

PC: "Sorry?"

D: "That's me street name, how I'm known in my Endz."

PC: "Okay, so Debbie, you've been arrested for arson."

D: "Bet you want my arse on sumfink of yours."

PC: "Debbie, this is a very serious matter. Tell me everything that happened leading up to your arrest."

D: Well, me and Shazbat - her name's Kelly but I thought of that street name meself, she says I'm mad - anyway, we'd been at a shop getting some new threads. Whassits its name? Oh yeah, C & A. I calls it Crap & Awful, Shazbat p*sses hersel' when I say that. She says, "You're mad," and you know, I am mad. I kicked a pigeon dead hard one time and killed it. Anyways, we'd been shopping at Crap & Awfuls and I'd stolen..."

PC: "Sorry?"

D: "Er, no, BOUGHT, I'd bought some leggings. My baby-father loves me in them. Well, one of 'em does. We gets to our estate, and I sees this new office or sumfink's opened. I can'ts read too good, so I asks Shazbat to tells me what it says on the sign. Shazbat tells me, "It says "Get a job innit." I says, "What?" Shazbat says, "Get a job innit?" Well, I looks frew the winda, and it's all posh inside wiv this geeza all dressed up nice and what-have-you. I gets really mad, you know. These peoples, fink they've had it hard and wants to give sumfink back, or feels sorry for the likes of me. They comes to our Endz and finks they can be like us or sumfink and get us jobs and that talking like us will 'elp. So I gets really, really mad."

PC: "And?"

D: "So I goes in the shop or whatever and I starts shouting at this geezer. "Who do you fink you are? You comes 'ere in my Endz, wearing a tie, and you fink you can be us. You aint's got no clue." He looks at me all confused like and says, "Can I help you madam?" I gets even more mad. "See, you fink you're posh 'cos you know a French word." He was all like, "I'm really sorry, is there a problem?" I said, "Yeah, I've a problem. You 'ave to go and say Get a job innit. Like innit is gonna make us wanna gets off the social. Likes we'll read it and fink your wiv it or sumfink."

PC: "So what did he say then?"

D: "He says, "I'm sorry, there's been a bit of confusion. We teach computing to members of the community, you know, to try and help them get a decent job. The sign doesn't say Get a job innit. It says Get a job in I. T, as in Information Technology. Maybe I can book you on a course, see how you get on?" Well, me and Shazbat, we both p*ss oursel's, I mean, really p*ss oursel's laughing, and this geezer just looks at us. Shazbat says we're really sorry, on account of me being mad and all. Then we just ran out and went 'ome."

PC: "What? So you're telling me that was it? That you just went home and nothing else happened?"

D: "No. I went back later and set fire to it."