There is only one job in Utopia that is worse than mine, and that is the Duties Inspector. Unfortunately, when the Duties Inspector is on leave, I am invariably directed to take on his role. Last Wednesday was one such occasion, when I was asked to arrange for 4 officers to work either 3 or 4 hours overtime prior to their 10 hour shift beginning at 9pm. Due to my proactive background in Dystopia, it was suggested that I also work, although I am now salaried, so won't receive an extra penny. It was an easy operation to organise, as my e-mail to the officers demonstrates.
'111, 112, 215 and 449 have all indicated that they will work this Friday for the robbery patrols, and by deft of logic I have therefore selected them to work that Friday. As there's no unmarked car available there will be 2 plain clothes officers performing dedicated foot patrols around the robbery hotspots. The other 2 officers will be uniform in a marked vehicle doing the usual proactive stuff whilst also responding to any robbery incidents. It will therefore be a bit 'gutty' but you are getting paid handsomely for it. I, however, am not.
All I need to know is if Friday's officers want to do 3 hours or 4? If there's 2 of you who will work 4, then I'll come in for 5 o'clock also. If no one wants to work 4, then we'll all come in at 6 for 3. If 1 of you wants to work 4, but the other 3 want to work 3, then we won't do 5, because 2 won't be enough, as this includes another 1 which is myself, so we'll meet at 6. If all 4 want to do 3, then we'll still meet at 6, because including myself that makes 5. Don't confuse this with 3 of you working at 5, because that will still only make 4, as the other 1 will therefore be here at 6 to do 3. Conversely, if 2 want to do 5 for 4 and 2 do 6 for 3, that will be fine, because the respective totals will actually be 3 do 5 for 4 and 2 do 6 for 3. So, you see, the options are simple, either at least 2 do 4 which, including myself makes 3, from 5 to 9 for a total of 4, or all 4 plus 1 which is 5 does 6 to 9 for a total of 3.'
It's now 8:45pm on a Friday and none of the officers ever arrived.
I thought I'd made it perfectly clear.