Tuesday, 13 September 2011

Elf and Safety

I have mentioned before that my job involves attending a lot of meetings. I came to realise that many of these meetings are a complete waste of time. I stopped attending many and nothing happened. I had more time to do my job and focus on policing. The service we provided did not suffer. I thought I was not missed.

My boss recently told me that I had not been attending the Town Centre Management Group meeting. I had been missed and they would like me to attend. So I attended. The agenda had nothing on it that I thought need my presence but clearly I was wanted. Item 7 on the agenda was the turning on of the Christmas lights in the High Street. I was excited to hear that Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs will be the pantomime at the local theatre this year and the actors taking part will be invited to turn on the lights. The actors will stand on the first floor balcony of the town hall. Concern was expressed that people would not be able to see the dwarfs on the balcony. A suggestion was made that the dwarfs could stand on a bench so they could easily be seen. There was then concern that the dwarfs might get caught up in the excitement and fall off the balcony. The solution: We can stand the dwarfs on a bench but have them all wear harnesses and tie them to the building so they cannot fall.

So, nearly two hours into a meeting that has no relevance to the police at all, we have discussed for nearly half an hour whether some dwarfs from the local panto can stand on a bench and whether they should be harnessed and tied to the building to ensure they don't fall off the balcony. I kept having to remind myself, this was not a dream and this discussion was really taking place. You couldn't make it up!

12 comments:

  1. Out of curiosity, did anyone at the meeting suggest asking the dwarfs what they thought?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh yes, nothing gets done without consulting the community. We might think we know what people want but we have to consult because we don't really know. In this case, the Health and Safety guru was having none of it. It didn't matter what the dwarfs wanted the Council would be responsible if one of them fell off the balcony. After 40 minutes of dicsussion it was decided that it would be too embarrasing to ask them to stand on a bench and be tied to a wall, so the dwarfs will just stand on the balcony and people should just about be able to see their heads over the top of it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. What a bunch of dopey pillocks. I presume you were sleepy throughout the entire meeting or maybe just too bashful to speak up. You really mustn't be so grumpy about attending the town management meetings, cos meetings are what keeps the management happy. I suppose you could always claim you were sneezy next time, but they'd expect you to get a sick note from... from... the one I can never remember.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I think you need to see the Doc, Hogday

    ReplyDelete
  5. My Doc is evil. She keeps saying I should eat more fresh fruit. Hey ho, hey ho.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Well, my opinion of this kind of bullshit meeting has gone up very slightly from hearing that someone thought to actually ask the dwarfs and that tying them to a wall was eventually ruled out. That evaporated when you got to what the elf'n'safetee guy said.

    Incidentally, I'm told PORG, for 'person of restricted growth' is the PC term, so I guess the panto should really be called Mild Albinism Sufferer With Narcolepsy and the Seven PORGS. I dare you to bring that up at the next meeting. Thank Christ I don't have kids.

    ReplyDelete
  7. FFS....Kafka has nothing on the absurdity of modern life. I refuse to attend such meetings, and make sure that I have some operational work to attend. Fortunately, my management is not so PC....

    zorro

    ReplyDelete
  8. If I were the Chair[person] of that committee I would feel greatly insulted that the police had the effrontery to send such a junior representative to attend to such important matters and would immediately demand nothing less than a Chief Superintendent.

    ReplyDelete
  9. anonymous 16 Sept> Nah - be too expensive, would need to get *real* coffee and *chocolate* biscuits.

    ReplyDelete
  10. You couldn't make it up!
    Oh, yes, you can!
    Oh, no, you can't!

    ReplyDelete