Thursday, 2 July 2009

The Crossword

A little group of officers on my team have formed a crossword club. During their breaks four of them gather around a table and attempt to complete The Sun crossword on a Thursday morning, as this is the day that it is supposed to be at its easiest to complete. Not so easy that my officers can complete it though. They never, ever have. Last Thursday was no different. They had all but one question answered, the closest they had ever been.

"What's the question again?"

"A large enclosure where horses are kept and reared."

"How many letters?"


"Stable! It's stable. We've done it!"

"Nope, that would mean 5 and 7 down are incorrect, but they're not."

"But 'stable' fits. It must be right, where the hell else are horses kept?"

"I don't believe it, the twat who writes it has made a mistake. Put 'stable' in anyway and when we buy The Sun tomorrow there will probably be an apology, which means that we did complete it."

"I can't put 'stable', with the ones going down it reads 'strale'.

"Maybe 'strale' is the right answer?"

At this point I lost my patience and suggested that it may be beneficial to their team members and the local community if they left the crossword for now and began answering calls.

Friday morning and three of the four officers are again sat in the canteen, eagerly awaiting the arrival of the fourth who has gone to the local shop to buy The Sun with the crossword solutions for the day before. Soon he arrives, and their excitement is at fever pitch.

"Come on, come on, what's the answer?"

"I haven't looked yet, hang on."

"I don't get it. The answer is 'coral'.

"Coral? What the hell has that got to do with horses?"

"F*ck all. The idiots. I told you they'd put the wrong bloody question or answer in. Read the question again from yesterday."

"A large enclosure where horses are kept and reared."

"Coral is that stuff that grows in the sea. Is there a telephone number we can call to complain on?"

Eventually I lose my temper yet again. For 9 months I've had to sit in the vicinity of these idiots, listening to their futile attempts to miss letters from words in order to make it fit an answer, bothering other officers for answers to simple questions that a 5 year old could answer, even asking victims of crime.

"Corral! It's pronounced 'corral'. It's a place where horses are kept."

I've since instructed the Sergeant to post them in different vehicles with opposing refreshment times. I couldn't listen to them anymore.

Reblog this post [with Zemanta]


  1. I was gonna say something about the post, but I think it's a trap! I'll leave it for someone else to say...

  2. Well done Rab! I want to see if any of my fellow officers pick up on it, to prove the case in point. You'd NEVER get into the Force by the way, far too smart!

  3. The crossword clue is 'Postman's sack'

    How many letters?

    'kin hundreds!

    I'll get my coat.......

  4. Im more impressed with four officers managing to make it into the nick at the same time!

  5. Where does the betting shop come into this story?

  6. No one's got it yet apart from a non-police officer! Here's a riddle to help you out...

    My first is in left
    As right is in cheese
    Count how many hairs
    You have on your knees
    I have no cats
    They live in 5 kennels
    Does anyone like
    Coffee-flavoured Revels?

  7. Just read this boss and there is a fundamental discrepancy on the go here. at least one of the former three r's appear to have changed from what I read.


  8. Well neither "stable", "corale" nor "corral" have seven letters...

  9. Hurrah! Thankfully police officers sussed it. My, that WAS fun, wasn't it?


  10. Okay, in order to reduce the amount of abusive e-mails I already receive, I've now amended this post and promise not to play with people's minds in the future.

  11. Damn i had a nice comment lined about you 'tasering yourself in the foot' (good eh) about mispelling corral.

    However isnt it the case that you now dont need any formal qualifications to join the polis? Not requiring any formal qualification simply sounds like a reciple to simply to enable the door to be open to millions of Labour's recent immigrants and can only serve to damage the Police in the long term just as lowering the bar would in any situation where professionals are required.

  12. BTW LH - maybe you could publish some of the abusive mails you get. Could be worth a laugh. I think in the spirit of transparency then maybe their email addresses could be posted as well so we can return the favour ha!

  13. Bertie - always one to bring controversy to the fore! There's never been a requirement to have formal qualifications. The police would rather you have life experience and are able to demonstrate that. You can't resolve a domestic incident if you've never had a partner or are no good at calming down violent situations. As for immigrants, you have to have British citizenship. In any case, with the number of diverse communities we serve it would be beneficial to have officers who are perhaps from the same background and aware of the cultural nuances. I doubt immigrants, or even natives, will flock to join the police now or even be recruited. We're undergoing significant cut-backs due to lack of funding as it is.

  14. Note to self: When having a beer with Blue Knight leave the corssword at home (deliberate mis-spelling by the way).

  15. Joe Coral's got something to do with horses.

  16. Did you really go back and change your story to fit the events?? Integrity issues.