The Promised Land

After two years of periodically suggesting to my wife that we should leave Blighty and settle in the Oldish-New World, she has finally warmed to the idea. Over the past two weeks she has been actively pressurising me into making the dream a reality. I have already e-mailed the New Zealand Police Service but they are not currently recruiting, although they will retain my name on file and contact me in the future should the situation change.

Following further discussion and an increasing desperation to leave for a better life, my wife has also suggested doing the same with the Police Services in Canada and Australia. She, like me, and the majority of the population, have had enough. We have a child, and we do have genuine concerns over what the future holds for her should we remain. Something really is rotten in the State of England, and I doubt it will ever change for the better. Certainly not in my daughter's lifetime or mine.

I don't know if the Canadian or Australian Police Services are recruiting at the moment, but it would be a wonderful quandary for us to have to make a decision about which country would be most suitable. My wife asked me to draw up a list of pros and cons for each, and I have listed these below.

I must stress that I have never visited any of these countries, but have watched Neighbours, Home and Away, Due South and looked at photographs on the internet. My list is therefore based upon the most extreme bias, prejudice and discriminatory views of those countries, and I can only apologise for my ignorance.

New Zealand

Pros: It has a lovely climate, cool in the winter and warm in the summer. The cost of living is good. They're good at rugby. The police officers have guns. The women look nice. I am led to believe that the warm climate and surrounding waters is conducive to water-related sports.

Cons: I can't swim. As they're good at rugby I won't achieve hero status or a pivotal role in the first team, and will only ever be asked to referee the toddler's side.

Australia

Pros: It's warm all-year-round. The cost of living is good. They're good at rugby. The police officers have guns. They like beer and drink lots of it. The women look nice.

Cons: As they're good at rugby, they'll quickly realise that I am not. I've heard that the insects are large and vicious, and some have arms the size of an Olympic wrestler's. The spiders have 'Love' and 'Hate' tattooed on their knuckles. Prisoner Cell Block H is no longer in production, which is a terrible shame. I used to spend my drunken hours considering which of the women I would have sex with. Bea Smith would invariably triumph.

Canada

Pros: Nice summers and bloody cold winters. The cost of living is good. The police officers have guns. They'e not very good at rugby, which means I could play for the first fifteen and have numerous female admirers. They also have vast swathes of forest and woods.

Cons: I've read that a hairy bear really does sh*t in the woods, and that their sh*t consists of unwitting and ignorant foreigners such as I. I don't know of any television programmes that have attractive (or not) women who I could consider having sex with whilst sat in a drunken stupor before retiring to bed.

It's all very early days yet, but I hope that within two years we could resettle. If you're an ex-pat in any of these countries serving as a police officer, or if you're a national who is serving, or even if you have a particular view of the respective services as a citizen, I'd be interested to learn of your thoughts and experiences. I'm sure there are many other British police officers in a similar position to me who would like to know.

Please tell me it's better than here.